April 28, 2009

New pair of Chuck T high tops and the wrath of my television anger

I got them a couple of weeks ago. Black high tops with a yellow and black wild Animal-4 kinda leopard-like design on the heel stripe and inside lining. They were specially designed by moi, a feature of endless fun at the Converse website. I wish I could buy more, poor sad no-money empty cobwebbed wallet spaced girl that I am. Alack! Must console myself with repeated listening of Cramps albums.

Why don't we all just burn down TV Land. I know it's just a cable station situated a thousand pixels away in some automated Viacom warehouse store room, where a computer manages endless loops of 3rd Rock From the Sun reruns interspersed with the classic television visions known as High School Reunion and The Cougar, but couldn't we just torch the place anyway? I know they still show older, classic shows, but they show them in twenty-seven hour blocks and it's the same four shows everyday, twenty episodes of Good Times followed by twenty eps of M*A*S*H*, followed by one episode of classic Star Trek on Saturday morning at 5 am, just to fuck with our heads and make us salivate for that one good hour of TV every week where Kirk's mixing it up with mobsters and playing sexy time with the green honeys. I don't know about you, but when I think "Classic TV channel" I don't think: Andy Griffith Show for 6 hours, Brady Bunch for 6 hours, Good Times for 6 hours, and M.A.S.H. for 6 hours (1 hour of Little House on the Prairie may be substituted for any 1 hour of previously mentioned shows). Those are all good, fun, cheesy classic TV shows, don't misunderstand, but there's only so much a person can take day after day, week after week, etc. etc.

What happened to VARIETY??? Sample, make-believe, awesome schedule that I just came up with two minutes ago and which blows the current TV Land schedule out of the waters left over from the wet fart also known as "skewing younger":

2 hours of The Andy Griffith Show at 5 in the morning (so I don't have to watch it)
1 hour of Rhoda (so I can watch while I eat my breakfast)
2 hours of Kojak (because: Why not?)
1 hour of Bewitched (1st ep Old Darren, 2nd ep New Darren)
2 hours of Gunsmoke (a sop to the Western fans)
2 hours of I Love Lucy
1 sweet, sweet hour of The Dick Van Dyke Show (cherish this hour)
1 hour of Petticoat Junction (shut up, I like it. haters be hatin'!)
1 hour of Dragnet
1 hour of Get Smart
1 hour of Mannix (one hour is all the average human brain can handle; more and our minds would explode from awesomeness overload)
1 hour of Mary Tyler Moore
1 hour of My Three Sons
1 hour of Laugh-In (on weekends, this gets extended to 3 hours, followed by Space Ghost cartoons)
1 hour of That Girl
1 hour of The Addams Family (essential viewing for any life to be complete)
1 hour of The Munsters (it's the Addams Family chaser)
2 hours of infomercials (preferably Rockin' to the Oldies)

Now, is that so hard??? I understand that the people who run TV Land these days care very little about actual classic television and that it's all dollars and cents to these people, but why can't we revolt, people storming the gates of CorproLand and demanding justice with pitchforks and steak knives, that sorta thing?

Yes, yes, "DVDs available now, buy your own damn nostalgia," yeah yeah, I know. But some of us don't have hundreds of bucks to spend on old television show DVDs. Some of us would like to buy another pair of personally designed Converse sneakers with our 60 clams and want some modicum of value out of the money we shell out for cable/satelite/dishnetwork/u-verse/etc.

We are powerless. I know it. We are nameless, lifeless cogs in the machine of conglomerate television programing. We are living in the reality of a reality television world and I am not a reality television girl. I want to start my own TV station. Why can't AT&T carry this channel in their listings?! I've devolved into short, angry sentences tonight. I think if I ever saw a TV Land exec I would throw a TV dinner at him. That would show the jerk! Would that everyone who loves old, classic TV were so inclined. We would rule the airwaves.

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